Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Shame in couples therapy. In L. S. Greenberg & R. N. Goldman, Emotion-focused couples therapy: The dynamics of emotion, love, and power (pp. 315-349). Washington, DC, US: American Psychological Association.
http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/11750-011
Shame is about feeling overexposed and found lacking in dignity or worth in the eyes of others. It involves feeling looked down on or seen as inferior, and this is most painful when it is one's most intimate partner who a person feels looks down on him or her. Shame is a critical barrier to the realization of intimacy in couples. Different types of shame--adaptive shame, primary maladaptive shame and secondary shame--are described. Empathic attunement to emotion is the most general and fundamental principle of all emotion-focused intervention and is particularly important with shame. The first part of addressing shame in the process of couples therapy generally is to name the feelings of inadequacy, humiliation, or shame and empathize with it. Then, the therapist needs to identify the workings of shame in the system. Next is recognition of the partner's protective defenses against shame. Finally, the time comes for active interruption of shame cycles, both within and outside of therapy. The role of shame in affiliation cycles and influence cycles is described. The first goal of emotion-focused couples therapy interventions to counteract shame is the development of a supportive, empathically attuned relationship with each partner and with the relationship. The focus then shifts to helping the partner or partners recognize and overcome avoidance to their shame to acknowledge the painful feelings. Empathic responses such as "just wanting to hide," "feeling so wretched and small," and "humiliated and wanting to just disappear" are interventions that help clients bring alive, and stay in touch with, their experiences of shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. Helping partners symbolize these previously inchoate feelings in the immediacy of the session, as they occur, helps to make them more manageable. The partner's compassion and understanding, then, is key in this transformation process by providing new interpersonal experiences of validation. Once the shame is regulated and the person feels validated by empathic mirroring of the therapist and compassion from the partner, the therapist may also work to promote self-soothing. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2016 APA, all rights reserved)